By Jude Southerland Kessler, special to the Fest Blog

“Don’t you do it…don’t you dare!” is the very phrase that inspired…

• My nine-year-old decision to jump from the top of Mom’s Mimosa tree…a fall that sprained both my ankles, in the very first week of summer.
• My “rash” decision to move far away from my Louisiana family and friends to reside in Maryland where my boyfriend, Rande, was going to the Naval Academy. (Rande and I have now been married 40 years.)
• And my decision to write “yet another” biography about John Lennon in the face of various groans and moans of: “Haven’t we had enough of such books already?”

Being dared NOT to do something has two out of three times worked wonders “in my life.” Indeed, quite often, daring someone NOT to do something produces miraculous results. So, let me give it a go!

Don’t do it!!!! Don’t leave your soft, slightly stained sofa and your “25% More! Free!” bag of Fritos Originals (which explains your greasy remote) to actually get up, get packed, and attend the Chicago Fest for Beatles Fans at the Hyatt Regency O’Hare, Aug. 9-11. Please…stay seated!! Relax into your comfy nest of cookie crumbs and lint, and nestle in for yet another riveting episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond.” It’s so much simpler. And besides, who needs a whole “weekend of unforgettable,” eh? Not you, right? You’re past all that!

Don’t do it…don’t be in the Main Stage Ballroom when the oh-so-knowledgeable Mark Lewisohn awes us with his Beatles acumen. I was privileged to hear him talk last November and suffice it to say, I actually offered him $200 for a mere copy of his notes! His talk is that good. No, let’s be honest: it’s better. Mr. Lewisohn is, of course, the author of The Beatles: All These Years, Volume One — Tune In, The Complete Beatles Chronicle, The Beatles Recording Sessions, The Beatles: Day by Day, and so many other respected works. But even his Beatles compendiums pale a mite in the face of his live presentations! And that poses a dilemma: you see, instead of relaxing into the cat hair and pistachio shells on your sofa, you’d actually be sitting on the edge of your seat, locked onto Mr. L’s two talks — one on Saturday and one on Sunday.

So, I must ask: Do you really need that? Is hearing the world’s #1 Beatles Guru worth the effort of tossing a toothbrush and a change of clothes into a valise? Is it worth the risk inherent in getting out with fellow Beatles fans who are learning and nodding and being utterly entertained? I shouldn’t think so! Not really.

So…don’t do it. Don’t you dare! Slip into your sweat pants and open another carton of “Chunky Monkey.” It’s the wiser move.

Safe at home, you’ll tactfully avoid a full hour with iconic drummer, Alan White, who literally on the spur-of-the-moment (the day before, in fact) agreed to join John and Yoko on stage at their 1969 Toronto Rock’n’Roll Festival performance. Who wants to hear about that experience, yeah? Who wants to sit at the feet of someone who worked shoulder-to-shoulder with John as “Instant Karma” was being recorded…or with George Harrison during the making of All Things Must Pass?  Why subject yourself to that sort of once-in-a-lifetime experience? Not when you can revisit “Charles in Charge” or “Malcolm in the Middle” or settle in for a cozy afternoon of “Home Alone.” Don’t do it. Don’t you very dare!

And furthermore, DO NOT even think of taking my seat at the Jeremy Clyde concert! Back off, sir! I’ve claimed that prime location where I can best hear Jeremy croon “A Summer Song” and “Willow Weep for Me.”  But most of all, I want to lean in and hear him reminisce about his days with The Beatles. I want to absorb the magic of 1964 and 1965. I want to be transported back to Swingin’ London — to soak in every fascinating detail about what Americans dubbed, “The British Invasion.” No, no, that sort of thing’s not for you! Keep in mind “that was yesterday, and yesterday’s gone.” (Exactly the song I’d like to hear!) So, why don’t you clean out the garage or trim the lawn instead? Go right ahead…leave the magic all to me.

Don’t dare set foot in the Hyatt Regency O’Hare while Ken Mansfield (one of the friendliest men on planet Earth) is walking about, shaking hands, and happily answering Beatles questions. Don’t settle in as he brings the world of Apple Records, U.S., to life or talks about his time in London with The Beatles…or shares the story of that amazing afternoon that The Beatles (and Ken) took to The Roof (Ken’s best-selling book) to “pass the [last] audition.” Ken was there for so many remarkable Beatles landmarks, and he will make you feel as if you’re there as well. Do you need that sort of enchanted afternoon? Not you! You’re the practical sort! There’s a hedge to be trimmed. Get to it!

In fact, I can’t think of one single reason why you’d enjoy sitting amongst other Beatles fans in the lobby and singing “I Want to Hold Your Hand”…or why you’d have fun going back in time with me (at Sunday morning’s Early Bird presentation) to attend John Lennon’s 1964 Foyles Literary Luncheon, to discover why he muttered “You’ve got a lucky face.” I mean, sure, yeah, it’s a touching and fascinating story…but you? You’ve better things to do.

Attending the Aug. 9-11 Chicago Fest can only mean one thing for you: fab fun! And who needs it? Really!  I mean, you’d be one of the very first to hear Beatles music expert, Bruce Spizer, introduce his hot-off-the-press, new book, The Beatles Get Back to Abbey Road! And you’d get to hear Wings’ Laurence Juber, Steve Holley, and Denny Laine rock the stage at the Saturday night concert! You’d get the opportunity to challenge yourself at Al Sussman and Tom Frangione’s “Beatles Trivia” contest, and you’d get to hear Kit O’Toole and gifted musician, Scott Erickson, explore the Esher Demo versions of your favorite White Album songs. You’d only find yourself shopping in the Marketplace, enjoying Beatles yoga in the Faboratory, cheering at the Battle of The Bands, and sitting in front of the Red Bar fireplace and sipping a glass of wine. None of that is productive, son. Not while there’s so much you could do:

• You could scan old photos into jpeg files.
• You could air out the autumn clothes.
• You could strip that old wallcovering.
• And of course, you could always indulge in the evening news. (God forbid!)

Or (and I’m certainly not endorsing this!) you could choose to enjoy “The Weekend of You”…a weekend of wearing your Beatles pins and T-shirts and socks and kecks…a weekend of wearing your Beatles smile! You could star in an impromptu, all-night Sing-Along or attend the late, late experts’ panel or hunker over an iced bourbon, hotly debating which album is better, the Capitol “Help!” or the EMI version. You could rock with The Weeklings…and dance to Liverpool! You could purchase the BEST Christmas present ever from Beatles artist, Eric Cash. And you could party late, sleep late, laugh out loud (unabbreviated), and have the time of your life!

The only problem is, the Chicago Fest for Beatles Fans would create memory: a memory you’d have to cherish for years. A memory you’d have to tell people about at the office, on the train, and at family reunions. A memory you’d have to carry with you, long after you’re 64!

It would be unique and special, your time at the Fest. So, unless your life needs something warm and wonderful and memorable and completely fantastic…best to avoid it at all costs. I promise that you’d fall in the love with The Fest for Beatles Fans, and, you’d want to go back. So, just don’t risk it. No, indeed.

Don’t you do it. Don’t you dare.